Any second she could doze off. Any second now.... so I keep trying and I keep staying and I keep singing but it's been two hours and I'm missing the sunny and warm winter day.
Sometimes I want to run. I want to run so far and so fast.
But I won't. She falls asleep and I have a moment to regroup. The feeling passes and I fall in love all over again.
I'm not ungrateful. There's beauty and love here... So much love.
It's just that sometimes this is achingly hard.
So please don't tell me to enjoy every minute. I know how fast she's growing - I can see it. The speed of her growth doesn't erase my desire for sleep, or a long bath, or a moment to myself.
"Our society simply refuses to know about a mother's experience --how being yolked to a little one all day transforms her. To confess to being in conflict about mothering is tantamount to being a bad person; it violates a taboo; and, worse, it feels like a betrayal of ones child. In an age that regards mothers' negative feelings, even subconscious ones, as potentially toxic to their children, it has become mandatory to enjoy mothering." -The Myths of Motherhood