Tonight's gift from the sidewalk:
The truth of this week is that the postpartum monster has bit me and damn it, I'm not immune. The heat wave has us indoors more than I'd like and she caught her first cold (don't even get me started on the heartbreak of her first cold!) - bringing the lack of sleep to a whole new level.
These moments, this Mothering, is a complete identity shift. I'm redefining myself (or she's redefining me) and I HAVE TO LET GO of certain things... And I'm grieving them. There is death in this Mothering process and it's uncomfortable. I'm watching it with curiosity, seeing what parts of me I'm attached to and others I can more willingly let go of. Sometimes there's relief but sometimes there's a whole lot of tears. A wise friend recently said to me: "Motherhood is the most joy and the most shit (literally) all balled up together."
So here we go, approaching amother (another) new day as a new me. She's pretty new too so we understand each other on that front. And then, she gifts me moments like this one that remind me we're going to be just fine.
8 weeks and 5 days old. Imagine you could start over. From scratch. And feel, live and teach the biggest love, the most compassion, and a way of living that considers not just yourself, but everyone and everything around you. It feels sorta like a second chance... But this time it really matters. That's what Motherhood feels like.
I’m seeing a whole new Universe - one where she’s front and centre and we’re just in the background as support. So much of the ‘me’ that I know has been (and still is) falling away, yet so much is emerging. Who am I anyways?!
“All of the forms disappear into the lake of emptiness, and yet they are not lost. It’s at the edge of the lake that someone whose path is the path of the heart will say, “I am experiencing the presence of God,” for one more step into the lake and the experiencer and the experience have merged, and we have become God, and the concept of God is long gone.”